It has been awhile....and it has been a struggle

The last two years have been a ride, for everyone. I find myself constantly reminding myself that everyone's hard is different, but it doesn't make it more or less hard. What I am slowly realizing that I need to remind myself that its okay for my hard to be....well hard as well. I am sure we are all faced with hearing the mental and physical health challenges faced by our co-workers, family, friends and the random person who just needed to chat and thought you were a friendly face. I do not have a single friend who has not told me their work is super challenging, their kids and partners are struggling, and has not lost a loved one over the last two years. For myself, that has meant trying to be empathetic and support where I can, and shoving my own problems wayyyy down where I can try to ignore them, because my hard can't be as tough as everyone else right?!

So for those in the same place, remember your hard is also super tough and you need support too. Yes, our kids and family are safe and healthy and happy, but we are exhausted. As a parent, every decision still feels wrong. There is a lot of anger in parenting right now, I see it in many of my fellow Mothers of Multiples when we do actually get to see each other for a vent session. I won't get into the details of why there is anger, because there are many different reasons why all of which create different emotions for different people. Its okay to feel angry, frustrated, and mostly just really friggin tired.

I also see so many individuals struggling to understand how to balance more work than ever in their jobs, more pressure as a parent with limited childcare, and social anxiety as we try to navigate whatever the new normal currently is, and will be. As I talked to friends and family, and navigate my social work network, it seems no employer or employee has found the exact right balance in this age with short staffing, burnt out staff, and more work demands than ever. As a people leader, I have not found the right balance either, and it is a big hit to my job satisfaction. We all want to do the best we can, and the last year(or more) has not allowed us to do so.

For me, this has led to a lot of soul searching and some of the answers I find are not what I EVER envisioned for myself as a young stubborn feminist. I have stopped running, which is temporary but a much needed break for my body. Twin pregnancy is no joke, and 18 months later I am still recovering. My immune system is basically still rebuilding from the ground floor, and somewhere along the way it decided I can no longer eat gluten(which is a story that involves a lot of tears for another day) or wear most jewelry. I need gentle movement until I feel whole again, which finally seems like it might happen. I used to love intense workouts that pushed my limits, now I finally realize it is okay to be gentle with ourselves from time to time. The key is to make sure you are still taking care of yourself, just like you do all the people around you.

I find myself constantly questioning what is the right balance(I use the word balance loosely here) as a working mom. I crave flexibility that is just not a way of life for most lines of work to put my focus where I need to, when I need to. But, did I mention I still want to be able to afford daycare? Yeah, the world as we know it makes this dream almost impossible(is the US anyway). So as I assume

many parents in their late 30's do, I am revisiting my career and life goals. I don't have a clear answer yet, but have made lots of great connections, added to my skill set(including passing a real estate licensing class) and had open conversations with my partner and a therapist about it.

I can't recommend enough talking to a unbiased professional if you are feeling any of these same struggles. I get so wrapped around my own anxiety and what I think I NEED to do or think, that talking it through with someone else can really change you perspective, or make you feel okay about the perspective you already have.

Anyway, all of this swirl and finding the answers has lead me to avoid posting any blog posts, or sharing my feelings, well....because I am super uncomfortable not having the answers. I should know by now, after having twins that I have control over absolutely NOTHING! So I'll continue to pretend I have some kind of control over the future, and finds ways to bring back old things that I loved, and spend a lot of time thinking about what are the new things I really want.

Twins...the non existent 2nd trimester

So, things aren't going my way the last few weeks which means my brain has been wondering to the past as a distraction. At the same time we are closing in on the twins turning 1 year old, so lots of thoughts of the last 18 months come rushing back. I thought this was a great time to revisit pregnancy, and those memorable moments that define each trimester. Also, I feel a need for some reason to capture them before weird hormones do their job and make me forget the misery!

If I go back to our first child, the second trimester was a blast, as much as pregnancy can be described that way. The very slight morning sickness I had vanished without a trace, my body felt strong and comfortable and I mostly stopped falling asleep in the middle of conversations. We took a trip to Scotland and walked miles and miles each day we were there. We had our 1 and only ultrasound that went perfectly, with no concerns. It was the highlight of those 9 months. However, the twins were a completely different experience.

Because I had such a great experience with my first pregnancy during the 2nd trimester, I clung to that memory as I tried to survive the all day sickness and exhaustion that plagued my first trimester. However, I quickly realized this time around there was no glorious 2nd trimester waiting for me. Somewhere along the way, the first trimester just turned into the 3rd trimester. Sickness turned into a constant need to drink water, continued food and smell aversions, and exhaustion. I went from not gaining any weight and still running and swimming, right to an extremely uncomfortable body that told me I needed to stop most exercise. It was not what I expected or hoped for. We were "fired" from our beloved mid-wife practice and referred to a mix of ob-gyn support as well as a MFM doctor. We were so far into pregnancy, and rotated between 5 doctors and two different medical facilities, so we never created a great connection with any of them, and COVID did not help. I felt powerless most days in making decisions about how this journey would be managed.

There was also a mental toll. This was around the time we started to learn about all the issues that can come up with twin pregnancies, and specifically in cases where they share a placenta. By our 20 week scan we had already had 3 ultrasound and were being prepared for bi-weekly ultrasounds to monitor for the list of scary things that can happens. We left our first appointment with my ob-gyn terrified of what was to come, and frankly feeling guilty that we had held out so long still working with a mid-wife. The ultrasounds took twice as long, and with all that baby and fluid in there it was harder to get the necessary measurements...which sometimes meant hanging out for an extra few hours to get through a stress test(which I think is only named that because it is so stressful for the mom to sit through). Every ultrasound was a build up of stress until we got the clear, we could live another week or two before we stressed all over again.

I took my last work trip during this time, which was just as whispers of COVID started in the US, about a month before my office shut down all travel. I was sick and uncomfortable and spent a week in Nashville trying to keep up energy

to host a booth for our sales teams. I spend most nights eating hot chicken and ice-cream in a bathrobe in my room, while everyone else enjoyed free drinks and parties.

The 2nd trimester was also where we finally started to accept the fact that we were about to go from a family of 3 to 5. Once we made it through most of the scary check points for the babies health we start to enjoy seeing how they moved and interacted with each other. We also finally decided to come up with a second name. I know, that probably seems dark but we had such a mental block of naming both twins, because we were so scared that something was going to happen prior to birth. And somehow, that felt easier to process if we had not connected names to baby A and baby B.

My advice if you are expecting twins? Find a support group of MoMs(mothers of multiples) as early on as you can. Frankly, they are the only people who will truly understand what you are up against, and an invaluable place for open and honest conversations. Also, don't be like me, push to advocate with your medical team, we spent too much time terrified and nodding our heads. Research your options, listen to your body, and make sure your medical team hears you. Most importantly, be kind to yourself. I had so many expectations of what I wanted out of my second pregnancy, and spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself that having a high risk pregnancy changed A LOT of that. In the end, everything turned out okay and we are about to celebrate surviving and thriving(sometimes) through our first year with twins. In the end, sometimes what you expect, doesn't matter as much as you thought....and twins will continue to teach you this lesson over and over....and over again!

Spring is here...maybe

The last few days have brought us warmer air and plenty of sunshine here in the North East. Although, there is a good chance we may still see snow this year, for the most part the dark winter is behind us. And for many reasons, this spring is breathing life into our souls. I know this is true in our house, and for many of our family and friends. For Matt and I and the boys, it feels good to return to outside activities, without 30 minutes of winter clothing prep time. This weekend we went for a walk to feed some ducks, I took the twins for a walk with some girlfriends down by the ocean. They were so happy to just stare at the boats from the stroller! Sunday afternoon naptime feels so good with streams of sunlight pouring over us(and the dog). There are deeper reasons why this spring feels good too.

Almost all our parents have at least one of the COVID shots required for vaccination. Matt's mom is done, and my dad gets his first hopefully this week. Matt's mom has been here twice now to help, and the thought of all the grandparents getting to see the boys again before the twins are a year old is so uplifting. This has been a tough year(or slightly longer) for a lot of people. Matt and I are lucky to have the resources we do, and are still exhausted and ready to have some relief. This comes in the form of seeing our families, scheduling play dates, perhaps reconnecting away from the kids....and I can't stress this enough....some solid alone time. For us introverts, it is so important to just find time by ourselves away from work, away from family commitments, to clear our heads and recharge. COVID has made that very challenging as a working mom.

Spring also signals that we have ALMOST survived the first year with twins. It is hard. It is exhausting. There are times you are not sure we are all going to make it. I have mostly given up on not stress eating. But we now have more moments of giggling and fun, and less sleepless frustration(if those darn teeth would stop giving us regressions that would be nice). Lachlan has found more ways to play with his brothers now that they can move more and giggle at his raspberry sounds. Mom and dad can almost find peace in those moments, other than the volume level. If you are still in that first year as a MoM, know that it does get easier(somewhat) and you will start to come up for air soon. I hope the spring air starts to bring some of that lightness to all those mothers of multiples out there!

I am of the few that also looks forward to spring cleaning and airing out the house! As the boys grow out of items I have been sending all our baby stuff to new homes(the twins are the last babies for us!) It feels great to get stuff out of the house and to hopefully help out some other mamas in the process. And despite the onset of dirty dog foot prints, I can start to pick little areas of the house to organize, clean and open a window. I think this is the time of year the sun and cool fresh air make or houses and minds feel renewed. And also maybe blow away some of the old pet hair stuck in the corners of the house? The house plants also start adding new growth, and I start to think about some outdoor plants. All good for the spirit. I find picking specific areas of the house, could be a whole room or just your favorite corner of a room, and thinking about how I want it to feel really inspires my spring clean and organize. Think about items you already own that might fit that area, deep clean it and get rid of anything you don't want there. Once you have a few areas done, you will be inspired to keep going. We made a great little nook for reading and toys for the boys and I just love having some coffee there while they play.

It also becomes easier to hold myself accountable to build exercise into my day. The sun and air that doesn't hurt your face anymore makes it easier to go out for that run on my lunch break, or walk the dog an extra mile. My training friends also start to focus again, and look for accountabilities partners. Although I am a terrible accountability partner because the kiddos make me an unreliable regular at group gatherings, I try to jump into those group work outs when I can. As more and more people get vaccinated I also have hopes of getting into the community pool...hopefully they have some hours over lunch or after bedtime.

Of course, I have hopes for all these things, but they are still hard to balance. It will always be a challenge to find time for the things that recharge my own mind and body when I dedicate so much time and energy to ensuring my kiddos, my work, and my partner have most everything they need. That spring air is somehow the reminder to refresh and renew our perspective as well, and squeeze bits of time for ourselves. Weather that be a walk, and clean corner of a room, or just being alone. As a wise friend once told me, "You do you Bo".