It has been awhile....and it has been a struggle

The last two years have been a ride, for everyone. I find myself constantly reminding myself that everyone's hard is different, but it doesn't make it more or less hard. What I am slowly realizing that I need to remind myself that its okay for my hard to be....well hard as well. I am sure we are all faced with hearing the mental and physical health challenges faced by our co-workers, family, friends and the random person who just needed to chat and thought you were a friendly face. I do not have a single friend who has not told me their work is super challenging, their kids and partners are struggling, and has not lost a loved one over the last two years. For myself, that has meant trying to be empathetic and support where I can, and shoving my own problems wayyyy down where I can try to ignore them, because my hard can't be as tough as everyone else right?!

So for those in the same place, remember your hard is also super tough and you need support too. Yes, our kids and family are safe and healthy and happy, but we are exhausted. As a parent, every decision still feels wrong. There is a lot of anger in parenting right now, I see it in many of my fellow Mothers of Multiples when we do actually get to see each other for a vent session. I won't get into the details of why there is anger, because there are many different reasons why all of which create different emotions for different people. Its okay to feel angry, frustrated, and mostly just really friggin tired.

I also see so many individuals struggling to understand how to balance more work than ever in their jobs, more pressure as a parent with limited childcare, and social anxiety as we try to navigate whatever the new normal currently is, and will be. As I talked to friends and family, and navigate my social work network, it seems no employer or employee has found the exact right balance in this age with short staffing, burnt out staff, and more work demands than ever. As a people leader, I have not found the right balance either, and it is a big hit to my job satisfaction. We all want to do the best we can, and the last year(or more) has not allowed us to do so.

For me, this has led to a lot of soul searching and some of the answers I find are not what I EVER envisioned for myself as a young stubborn feminist. I have stopped running, which is temporary but a much needed break for my body. Twin pregnancy is no joke, and 18 months later I am still recovering. My immune system is basically still rebuilding from the ground floor, and somewhere along the way it decided I can no longer eat gluten(which is a story that involves a lot of tears for another day) or wear most jewelry. I need gentle movement until I feel whole again, which finally seems like it might happen. I used to love intense workouts that pushed my limits, now I finally realize it is okay to be gentle with ourselves from time to time. The key is to make sure you are still taking care of yourself, just like you do all the people around you.

I find myself constantly questioning what is the right balance(I use the word balance loosely here) as a working mom. I crave flexibility that is just not a way of life for most lines of work to put my focus where I need to, when I need to. But, did I mention I still want to be able to afford daycare? Yeah, the world as we know it makes this dream almost impossible(is the US anyway). So as I assume

many parents in their late 30's do, I am revisiting my career and life goals. I don't have a clear answer yet, but have made lots of great connections, added to my skill set(including passing a real estate licensing class) and had open conversations with my partner and a therapist about it.

I can't recommend enough talking to a unbiased professional if you are feeling any of these same struggles. I get so wrapped around my own anxiety and what I think I NEED to do or think, that talking it through with someone else can really change you perspective, or make you feel okay about the perspective you already have.

Anyway, all of this swirl and finding the answers has lead me to avoid posting any blog posts, or sharing my feelings, well....because I am super uncomfortable not having the answers. I should know by now, after having twins that I have control over absolutely NOTHING! So I'll continue to pretend I have some kind of control over the future, and finds ways to bring back old things that I loved, and spend a lot of time thinking about what are the new things I really want.