Where is the working parent headed?

Our household just finished up our third quarantine due to a possible exposure to COVID-19 at daycare. Now, before I write the rest of this post, I know I am very lucky to have a career where I can work from home and have flexibility to work with my kiddos home. We are also very lucky to have had 3 possible exposures and no one in our household has gotten sick with COVID, and everyone at daycare has faired well. But, this new way of life has come with frustrations, which I believe are compounded for a working mom who just returned from maternity leave.

There have been a number of times we have discussed exposure and risk in our house, and the 3 quarantines that we have been through are all included. As parents, we struggle with the discussion to keep our kids in daycare, knowing this creates a larger social circle. However, we both have demanding full time jobs and despite everyone deciding we can all work with kids home now, it was just not a reality with 3 kids 3 and under. We also did not feel like it was financially or mentally the right decision for one of us to walk away from our work. But believe me, we have had plenty of circular conversations about it. I am sure this is true for others as well. Instead, we limit our circle in every other way, both to protect our daycare providers(and our access to daycare) and to protect those in our families that have a higher risk. Statistically, we feel confident that the kiddos and ourselves would fair okay if we got sick(although two sick parents quarantined with 3 kids for 14 days sounds like downright torture).

So, back to the frustration of our current world. All 3 quarantines we have tried to work, sometimes using minimal time off to catch a breath, but this last one both Matt and I worked full time, and balanced 9 month old twins crawling around and a 3 year old with LOTS of energy. We took a deep breath Monday morning, and never stopped or looked back. Our brains and bodies are running on full capacity and switching constantly between trains of thought from 7:00 am until 8:30 pm every day. And with twin 9 month old's, we rarely make it through a full night's rest. By Friday, to say I was frustrated is an understatement. You want to be a good mom, and a thoughtful leader, and have a clean house, but the reality is you are going to struggle to be any one of these when you are forced to do them all at the same time.

As a working women, the feeling that you are personally responsible for ensuring the working women survives this year(okay lets be honest 2 years) means the weight of the world starts to fall in all around you.

It is hard enough to come back from a maternity leave and feel like you are hitting the ground running. When I say that, this is probably mostly pressure from myself but it is real. I found coming back to work during a pandemic after having twins meant that every virtual meeting started with lots of questions about my life/work balance(balance does not exist so stop trying to find it world), what I had decided to do about childcare, and maybe finally we would get to work related conversation. Everyone would assume my head was not in the game, and offer lots of excuses or outs for me if I did not want to commit at work.

Of course, everyone means well, but as a private person who is a perfectionist at work this is a really hard transition to survive through. And every time our littles are home while we work.....I re-live these conversations over and over again. I started to turn off my video in hopes we could avoid the conversation but there is really no way around it. Meanwhile, I hear the conversations my partner is having with his co-workers and the tone is completely different. There is no pity, no assumption of work loss. I was now a mom at work, and a boss at home. And it felt like everyone assumed I was not doing either particularly well. You can't help but wonder if any of it makes sense anymore.

So what is the point of this vent? I know I am not the only one out there struggling with the sudden combination of family and work life. Most employers have only the very best intentions trying to allow families to be flexible, yet it is creating no space for those of us who want to separate our private life and work life. And encouraging self care and balance are not practical or sustainable ways for anyone to make it through the unchanging demands of the economy and the family. There is no bubble bath that can fix a year or burning the candle at every end...or more like taking a blow torch to the candle. I don't have the answer, but believe there is still work to be done on what our working and family lives look like over the next 5 years. We are all in this together and my advice is to be kind, don't make assumptions about what someone needs, and maybe avoid the words "self care" around a busy parent...

Take it where you can get it

We are going on a date today. Matt and I are taking time away from work to sneak out and enjoy each other's company. I know, this does not sound like a big deal, but this is a BIG DEAL! The last time I had a drink out of the house with my husband was in July I think. And that was the only one I have had in 18 months(outside of my home.....there is lots of "mama juice" to get through 2020).

Back when COVID rates were very low here, and Matt's mom and Aunt came to watch the boys(because it required more than 1 adult at that point.) Since then, rates have risen, and because our parents are care givers to our grand parents, we opted to not expose them to our germy little kids. Our only exposure has been daycare, in order to protect our loved ones, and also protect our day care providers. It has been hard. Of course, I am sure most people reading this know that. And those with kiddos home and no daycare know an even harder version of this. If we are not working, we are on zone defense with our 3 little boys, until the whole house finally crashes at about 8:30 pm. And then we start it all over the next day. And weekends are more work than the work week! But Matt's mom had her first vaccine and his dad and my parents are on track for early March, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Matt and I both have very demanding jobs. I manage a large team of consultants, and Matt is a Network engineer at a local health organization. He has been very busy getting temporary locations up and running to provide COVID testing and vaccines. We both struggle to take time away from the office, and not feel guilty about it. But today, we are both logging off, dropping the boys off at daycare, and after a quick clean of the house(so my mind can be calm) we will go have a beer at a local brewery that offers bookable igloos. Now, it is currently ice raining outside, it is about as gross as it can get for a winter day. We had to change our reservation to later because the roads are not great. The odds are stacked against us. However, daycare stayed open and the boys are safe and sound, and so far the brewery is still opening. We will find a way no matter what. And no matter how many blankets we need to bring with us to stay warm.

Having twins is hard on a relationship. I don't know the stats, but I am sure it has been the spark for a number of divorces. Matt and I were so lucky to have a solid 10 years together before we were shocked with the news of being pregnant with twins. I don't know how this would feel if we were only a year or two into our relationship. If you are in the same boat as us, or just finding out you will be just know that it will not be easy. Your relationship takes a back seat and most conversations become very task oriented. You will resent each other for something, at some point. You will have to share really tough feelings with each other. My advice, is to share the tough stuff no matter how hard it is. And take in what your partners has to share, and take a long pause to think before you judge. Matt and I have very different frustration points with parenting, and it is easy to forget to look at a situation through each others' lens.

My other advise, is to be willing to take on the brunt of the storm every once in awhile so your partner can have a break, or just take an hour to do something that makes them happy. Matt is much better at this then I am. He knows I need running and exercise in my life, and to run through the house with a quick cleaning. He will offer me this space at least a few days a week. I know its not easy for him sometimes to offer that, but in the end he has a healthy and happier partner who is then ready to take on the storm so he can refresh. While we can't lean on family for this break, we try our best to do it for each other.

So on that note, today, we celebrate each other because our love and friendship is how we got into this mess in the first place! Even if its just a few hours, in a freezing igloo over a beer and food truck food, we celebrate and we march forward. And when everyone is safe again, we will plan a more appropriate celebration of the bond we share, and the solid life we share with these crazy kids. Sending good vibes out to you all, and stay safe in the ice rain.

We are pet people

We are pet people, to the core. My partner and I always grew up with dogs, I had cats as well(his family has a long line of cat allergies). I ran a pet store for a number of years, and had a habit of collecting other peoples' unwanted pets. When I was 22 I bought a house, partly because I was so independent and didn't want to rent anymore, but mostly because I wanted a dog all the way down to my bones. Now, in my late 30's all those initial pets are senior citizens, showing signs of leaving us soon, and in 2020 I said goodbye to the most amazing dog I have and will EVER know. We have had 3 dogs, Napoleon was myfirst, an English Springer spaniel, and soul mate. We said goodbye to him last year at 13 due to a mix of advanced arthritis and cancer. It might have been the hardest decision of my life, and another reason my second pregnancy was not the fantasy I had hoped for. Gabby was my first Doberman rescue, and she was our amazing rescue story. I first adopted her with a previous partner, and when we broke up, she went with him. A few years later, with my soon to be husband, we found her back at the same shelter. Within 24 hours we were on our way to bring her home. She lived out her final years in spoiled luxury, until her heart failed at 12, like many Dobermans experience.

That brings me to Leddi Lou, our current and only dog and Doberman. She was also a rescue from a Doberman shelter about an hour away. They knew if we could handle Gabby, we were ready for another tough cookie. She had been there for over a year when we brought her home, and was very unsure of people she didn't know. However, we found that once she decided we were her people, she settled in and is great with all our family (outside of a suspicious uncle or two...but who can blame her). However, Leddi is a Doberman which means three things really. One, she takes the duty of guarding her home seriously. Two, she has a healthy dose of OCD. Three, when she plays, she plays hard and fast which is why we are waiting on finding another fuzzy springer spaniel. All of this has added up to a very frustrating period of time working from home. Her constant alert state is exhausting for us all. Leddi is 10 now, we got her when we first moved to our new home. She has greeted all of our babies when we brought them home, and we fell awful for thinking about a day when we have a puppy again. But, 10 is around the age Doberman parents get nervous. You just never know when that heart will give out, but we hope we have more time.

The list goes on. I have two 14 year old cats, twins (Caesar and Cleo). Which is so ironic. I wanted a big orange boy cat, and the shelter brought me two small white kitten...perhaps they were preparing me for the future. Their thyroids and kidneys are showing signs of aging, as we treasure our home office snuggles with them these days. Perhaps what people find most interesting is our parrot....yup a parrot. Henry is my 11 year old, grumpy, African Gray parrot. That sounds old, but if you know birds...11 years is a warm up lap. Henry is funny, and grumpy and smart. But let me tell you, if I had the decision to make again I would never have a bird. He is also moody, messy, and a constant 2 year old. He has made working from home a challenge. He has also made napping for littles babies a challenge. Yet, we keep him and care for him because we feel its the right thing to do for us(this decision might look different for every family).

We have a snake. Benin is the oldest pet, going on 20 I think at this point. We won't have him much longer either. He is a nice guy, and the first pet store rescue. And then there are "the girls", our 5 chickens. They are fun to watch outside, and we love having fresh eggs.

Why do I say all this? Well, our house is never clean. There is always hair, there is cat throw up to clean, and dog poop in the yard to pick up(Lachlan's favorite chore hands down). There is a chicken coop to clean, someone always needs food, water, attention. Leddi needs constant direction. Sometimes I think about how much easier life would be without pets. I think about this more now that we have 3 kids, but I can't ever picture myself without any animals. So, we continue to clean. I continue to say "this is why I can't have nice things"...constantly. And I continue to cuddle them everyday, because a little hair and dirt are good for the soul...and the immune system. I hope you are all so lucky to meet your soul mate pet, because it will change your life.